Thoughts While Sprawled Out On An Empty Football Field

Thoughts While Sprawled Out On An Empty Football Field

Working out is not my favorite thing to do. I often start working out regularly go for a couple of months then fade away, far away from the gym. It has been my pattern well for as long as I can remember. I am not sure if it is just I or it just flows with my life and the cycles that come. There are times of the year where work is really busy and I need to focus on work. There are times of the year when sports take over and every weekend consists of soccer and lots and lots of games.  I sit here and ponder how to change this pattern I know the first part is to admit I need to change. Most of the time when I say, “I need to work out more” I hear, you look great you don’t need to work out. Thank you all so much who say this, and I this is not be getting on my soapbox and looking for compliments. I am very grateful that I have a different metabolism and I have found myself thin for most of my life. I know that I am lucky and I totally get that. However what most people don’t know is that I have also heard this “You are to young for this”(arthritis in my upper back and shoulders, heart issues and at one point cancer cells that were not fought off.) told to me by almost every doctor who see’s me. So yet I may look like I am a healthy 35 year old (yes 35 for another two weeks) on the inside I am way older than I look. So yes I do need to start working out, and not stop yet again. I also know that when I work out I feel so much better, healthier and have way more energy.  Why do I fight it so much? Here is my theory; I am going to be so honest here that this, to be bold and simply vulnerable, may surprise some of you I never saw myself living past 40. I am surprised that I am almost five years out from my cancer diagnosis. I never expected that, and I have always felt as though I would be really lucky to make it to 40. There, I said it I spoke my truth. Do I speak my future? No I don’t think so. We all don’t know our future so how can we speak it? I think the reason why I haven’t really worked on myself physically is because I didn’t feel like it mattered. Do I want to die before 40? Hell No, I don’t want to die and leave my family. There has been a shift within me over the past six months.

 Maybe it is finishing my first manuscript, maybe it is downsizing my business or maybe it is simply know my true diagnosis almost five years ago that the pathologist missed. But for some reason I am beginning to see past 40.  I want to get into the best shape of my life. So here I am blogging about this. I think I am going public with this deep secret of mine is because if I say it aloud for all to hear, then maybe I will feel obligated to stick with it. I remember when I was fourteen; I was at a church all night party for New Year’s Eve. There was a video camera, (you remember the large dinosaur of a camera that rest’s on ones shoulder) the guy with the camera was coming around asking everyone what there New Year’s resolution was, and I was the next person in line. I replied, “I want to stop biting my nails” I was shocked I admitted it in front of the cameraman, then I was shocked that now it was on video forever out there for all to know. But guess what? I stopped biting my nails, I wasn’t a failure, or I wasn’t going to fail for others to see. So maybe this is a little bit of me at fourteen. I am admitting that yes I am thin, but really I am very unfit. This is what I thought about as I lay on the football field behind my house earlier today all alone listening to black eyed peas. I had just worked out for forty minutes and then just stared up at the sky and thought about the New Year ahead. Rather than waiting for the magical day of January 1st I thought I would get a jump on it now. As I lay there on the field I also thought maybe, just maybe if I go public then there is no turning back for me, because well I don’t want to fail. I am the person trying to break a bad habit, my bad habit is to start and stop my exercise. I must choose to break the bad habit myself; there must be no nagging from anyone but me. Only can we choose to break a habit.  There are many goals I will be setting for myself this coming new year, but today I am ready to take my old person body back and maybe, just maybe turn the clock of time and fix the damage that’s been done. Because forty is almost here and really I want forty more years here experiencing the amazingly wonderful journey of life. So what habit are you breaking this new year?

Comments ( 2 )

  • I loved reading this, Amber! Good for you. I long for the days when going to the gym will fit in my schedule again =). I am so happy to hear about your having turned a corner in the past six months. That sounds like a healthy and wonderful mindset. I still treasure the friendship we shared in high school. I wish you and your family all the best in 2014.

  • Hi Melissa,
    Don’t worry you will gain your independence faster than you will want. Yes so far so good with my health. Congrats on your new little man coming soon. I know that is when I felt like a real family when I had my second. Enjoy and cheers to a wonderful 2014!

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