The truth about living in the moment
This past weekend I had my darkest days since my diagnosis. I think it all began on Thursday, as the bandages fell to the floor in the small doctor office. Living in the moment has been something that I have learned over the past year. It is not easy, it is a constant battle to be right here… right in this place at this point in time.
Cancer has really changed me, I am not sure yet how or to the exent of the change. I only live in the moment, especially after surgery. My in the moment has been painful, feeling every pain, every breath a struggle to take at times.
Sunday I hit bottom, but looking back now it was needed. The physical pain of this journey as well as the emotional pain came boiling out of me. Alone in my bed… as the clock ticked, as the seconds passed I was in the moment. I could feel the pain not only radiating from my tired body but from deep within my soul…. the tears came like they do all of the time now. My voice began to furiously talk… talk to my God… who always listens. The pain that I have is not only mine, but since my diagnosis and all of my research I have come to realize the devestation of cancer.
My cousin has been dealing with cancer for all of her adult life, yet when it is not happening to you, you do not realize the depth of the disease. Sunday I hit bottom, not just for me and what was happening to me, but for others I have met along this journey. Others who are dealing with this disease and the devestation that is far greater than me.
I was stripped on Sunday, or at least it is when I realized it. Through each tear, through each pain radiating from my body I knew I hit bottom. I did not ask why during my chat, I asked now what. Where I am supposed to go now, who am I supposed to be now… and what does my future hold now?
These are the questions I have posed…. that I have sent out there to the universe. I am changed in so many ways. At this time each year, I usually have my summer planned out, and the upcoming year, especially since I own a preschoool. Everything is lined up, my goals are before me and I am always two steps ahead of the game.
Today however, I only see today. I possibly see a few apt. in the next day or so, but living in the moment has really never been so clear to me.
When you hit bottom there is only one way out… and it is to look up, to pick yourself off and look ahead. All the pain I am feeling for others is intense… I know there is purpose for this pain.
I am starting a new journey today, I am fighting my way back up, both physically, mentally and emotionally. Although I have no idea who the new me is, really I will take it in strides… learn who that me is, except that new me and look forward to seeing what this new future holds. What new goals come out of this, what new plans are made.
Today… I am grateful for being stripped, for hitting bottom. I am grateful for the pain both physically and emotionally. I understand that in all of this I will become stronger I will become what I am supposed to become…