Have you ever felt a shift in your life? It is something you feel deep within but sometimes not sure how it will all play out. That is exactly what is happening inside of me. Since returning from Guatemala there is a shift happening and I am not sure what to make of it.
Normally I am a creative person, coming up with new ideas or making things happen. The past two weeks I can barely seem to function properly. Feeling almost lost and unsure of my talents, future and goals.
Coming back from such an incredible life-changing trip has left me asking questions. Yet I don’t have the answers yet to those questions. Life is so much more than the big house, the nice cars the successful career. We can all say we know this, I think but do we truly?
Some may say I am a big dreamer. Some may say I always get what I want. It is true I have always dreamed big. Why not? We have one shot at this life right? So why not think out of the box and big. We are all capable of greatness if we work hard and believe in ourselves, at least I think.
Do I always get what I want? No, not everything I want. There are things out of my control, and things that I seem to keep working at but keep failing at and even wondering do I throw in the towel or do I keep fighting to succeed?
This past year I have been writing about speaking our truth, well speaking my truth. The road has not been easy. Being truthful even if it hurts is never easy. This past year I have been writing a lot. It is not an easy thing at all, to try your hand at writing.
I finished my first novel so excited and so full of passion and felt this is what I wanted to do. I want to write full time. Then after much research and talking to agents and editors I realized that first novel needed work. So what did I do? I shelved it. I didn’t write for a few months. I took a break and though long and hard about all the feedback I got and what was missing in that first story.
Then late April I decided to try again. The same core story but with an edge is what I like to think the new novel turned out to be. Hours and hours I spent writing and one book turned into two.
But it is not finished. I am in the midst of hours and hours of editing ahead and I have so much doubt and now I wonder can I even do this? Can I really be the writer I want to be? That is my truth today…. I want to be a full time writer. Always have. The time has come to make it a reality but I wonder if I can do it. Sometimes we may doubt and have a few tears but ultimately we have to make a decision. Do we fight through the tears? Or do we give up? It takes falling on our ass several times to make us stronger or maybe more determined.
But something inside me won’t give up. Maybe it is my stubbornness? Maybe because I have to at least see this to publication and really see if I have a chance or not? It is just not about writing though, sometimes life is about really being honest and seeing that there are areas we need help.
Today I must speak my truth, be honest that not all my days are rosy and full of sunshine. But my truth is also this. I will not give up. I will focus and spend the time needed to see this through.
My truth today is that I feel a shift… a transition maybe is a better word. I am scared, I am confused and I don’t feel steady on my feet. What I do know is that priorities have changed. I want to be more of a humanitarian. I want to become a writer to support my humanitarian efforts through my characters. I want to be a better mother and listening to my children as they head into their teenage years.
My truth is that I have no idea how this will all play out. I have no idea how I can do or accomplish everything I want to do. What I do know is that I have to first believe I can do it all. I can accept the shift that is happening and wait on more answers. It will all be OK and in fact maybe it will all be better than I could have even dreamed.