I guess when you decide to make a change, to not live as you lived before so begins a shift. For two months I wanted to change, I needed to not be so angry, so irritable but in reality I just wasn’t ready yet to change.
So I am not sure why but over Thanksgiving break I finally decided enough was enough and it was time to really decide to throw out the old me, well at least the parts I did not like and begin to shift into the person I really wanted to be.
When I made the final decision to simplify or acknowledge that I indeed needed to make a change I felt something shift within me. When I decided to simplify my life radically I felt a shift, at least that is what I am calling it.
This past Tuesday I was running a bunch of errands. I started with the mall, I know myself and I know that I am not a shopper and I can go maybe two hours and I am done. I had a whole day ahead of errands getting ready for my school Christmas program. So I hit the mall around 9:40 thinking it would be open since Christmas is around the corner. I was wrong, it would not open for another twenty minutes. The old Amber only a few weeks ago would have left in a huff and moved on to the next errands. However there is a shift happening deep within me. So I grabbed a coffee and sat and was at peace. I was in the moment, that very moment and I was grateful. I was not stressed, annoyed or anything but in the moment. I sat for twenty minutes enjoying the quiet mall and just sat. At 10:00 a.m. approached I began to walk toward my destination and again found myself stopped in my tracks. I was in front of the Disney store in awe of all the little faces in front of me. There were several young kids and toddlers with their parents. Their faces full of anticipation and joy as the Disney store doors were opening. I could not move, I could only stand there smiling thinking “Oh if we all could have that anticipation and joy of life each day.” I thought of my own kids at that age and I was full of gratitude.
So begins the shift… I am changing. I am more alert and I am feeling my anxiety and stress diminish. NO life is not perfect, I am not in a fantasy world, however I am learning to be here, right now in this very moment. I lived this way before, and thankfully I was living this way before I had cancer. I look back now and realize how grateful I am for going through cancer with that mindset. I think it helped me so much deal with the shock, the surgeries and the feelings I had.
So I knew I could get back there, but I had to be ready to really change. I had to be open to the shift. I had to want it.
So here I am, something in me is shifting. I am happy and this is how I want to live every day. But the work is not over, it never is. I have been reading Allan Watts and find his work so profound. I will continue to allow myself to shift, to grow and see what is to come.