The quiet ticking noise in the back of my mind
Today I logged into my next course at school. It felt good but at the same time I am not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing now. Am I supposed to be in school, working toward my degree in Pyschology? I want to do exactly what I am supposed to be doing…what my heart tells me. Time is of the essence…more than ever. As much as I am moving forward I cannot deny the quiet ticking I hear in the back of my head. I hear it daily…tick, tick, tick… the quiet hush of the clock of my life.
I try not to dwell on this ticking noise but I acknowledge it, I know it is there because it is never quiet. It is there always in all that I do, in all of my plans. I hear the ticking of the clock. This is why I want to make the right choices do what feels right, plan for great things because I have no idea when cancer will strike again. To be honest I am planning on dealing with this again. I am not a downer, I am a realists. I understand that today they say I am CURED… cured… that does not make sense since there is no cure for cancer… no magice pill. At this time I am NED… “No evidence of the disease”
I am confused by all of this…what does this really mean? I chatted with one of the top doctors specializing in my cancer today… I paid out of pocket to have him give me a second opinion… he even told me, he is a worry wort… and he is worried due to my age. This is not the first time I am hearing this… he also said that even after a mastectomy they can not get all of the tissue due to my age and how agressive the DCIS was, and in many areas the chances of it returning is a very real possibility…
All of this I know… I live with this each day. I am waiting for the next time around…. call me morbid if you want or I like to think of it as a realist. My body made this one time around already. They say that cancer is in your body for years before it is found.
My cancer is not related to a gene mutation….. so that is good or is it? What have I done that my body, my immune system did not kill these cells but they multiplied all over my right breast.
These are the questions I have….. I am not sad or made or even frustrated. I am just…. well just me.
I am in a place now of what next… what is really important to me… what are the true desires of my heart… because that is what I want to focus on…. only the important things because I don’t want to waste any time of useless stuff….