The quiet ticking noise in the back of my mind

The quiet ticking noise in the back of my mind

The quiet ticking noise in the back of my mind

Today I logged into my next course at school. It felt good but at the same time I am not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing now. Am I supposed to be in school, working toward my degree in Pyschology? I want to do exactly what I am supposed to be doing…what my heart tells me. Time is of the essence…more than ever. As much as I am moving forward I cannot deny the quiet ticking I hear in the back of my head. I hear it daily…tick, tick, tick… the quiet hush of the clock of my life.

I try not to dwell on this ticking noise but I acknowledge it, I know it is there because it is never quiet. It is there always in all that I do, in all of my plans. I hear the ticking of the clock. This is why I want to make the right choices do what feels right, plan for great things because I have no idea when cancer will strike again. To be honest I am planning on dealing with this again. I am not a downer, I am a realists. I understand that today they say I am CURED… cured… that does not make sense since there is no cure for cancer… no magice pill. At this time I am NED… “No evidence of the disease”

I am confused by all of this…what does this really mean? I chatted with one of the top doctors specializing in my cancer today… I paid out of pocket to have him give me a second opinion… he even told me, he is a worry wort… and he is worried due to my age. This is not the first time I am hearing this… he also said that even after a mastectomy they can not get all of the tissue due to my age and how agressive the DCIS was, and in many areas the chances of it returning is a very real possibility…

All of this I know… I live with this each day. I am waiting for the next time around…. call me morbid if you want or I like to think of it as a realist. My body made this one time around already. They say that cancer is in your body for years before it is found.

My cancer is not related to a gene mutation….. so that is good or is it? What have I done that my body, my immune system did not kill these cells but they multiplied all over my right breast.

These are the questions I have….. I am not sad or made or even frustrated. I am just…. well just me.

I am in a place now of what next… what is really important to me… what are the true desires of my heart… because that is what I want to focus on…. only the important things because I don’t want to waste any time of useless stuff….

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