The puzzle that is bigger than us…

The puzzle that is bigger than us…

The puzzle that is bigger than us…

Sometimes in life come those Aha moments. Those times where things just seem to make sense, where there is peace when before it may have been missing. In Thailand I had one of those Aha moments when I was in the first Temple watching the patrons bringing their offerings to the giant goden Buda. I went to Thailand to spend time with Forrest, but I also went seeking more out of this life. You see I have always been a thinker, a seeker. At times my thinking I know is not conventional. At times or a lot now my thinking is out of the box, not the typical American thinking. But at that temple I had a life changing aha moment and I have been thinking a lot about that over the past two weeks. In that beautiful historical place it all became clear to me. What I seek is not that important because truly we will never 100% know anything is for sure. At that moment in time I realized that I was putting to much  energy into trying to figure out the universe and not enough focus in that exact moment in time. As a thinker as a writer you want to process you want to put the puzzle together. But the puzzle is bigger than us, bigger than this universe.  So in the end, we are here to live, to love and to be loved. That is the  most important thing, that is what I strive to do. I am thankful for Thailand, for that journey and I am thankful for allowing myself to let go of what I thought was truth and to embrace what I do not know. It is the most freeing and joyful place to be, to accept that I do not know what is to come but what I do know is here and now. I do know that I love my family, I love my work, I love my life and all the people in my life. I have peace with the love that is in my life I also have peace with that fact that I acknowledge I do not know anything beyond myself and my life.

For the past few weeks my life has been on pause. It has happened a few other times after my cancer. This time however seems to be a longer than normal pause. Coming back from Thailand I had so many plans, the non-profit, my book my work. I was going a mile a minute and accomplishing so much. But now I wait for answers, wait for my next apt, wait for my next test. There are days where I feel overwhelmed but mostly I feel at peace. Because when you come to a place where you realize all of this, life the universe is out of our hands you become content that you have just this moment, just today. This is where I strive to be. In this moment, in today in the present. I have a sense of peace, of what is to come. I have a peace daily because to truly be happy we have to have peace in ourselves, happiness in ourselves. No one can give us happiness or peace except ourselves. Our soul can choose happiness or chose sadness. None of us now what is to come. When we start to think this way it can really freak us out. But then if we think of what we know, what we have; our families, our jobs, friends, home we are incredibly blessed to even experience it. So this is how Thailand changed me, I feel incredibly blessed to even been given this chance to live, to experience and all that comes with it. Life brings us joys, sadness, trials and heart break. We don’t know the future because we would all probably not handle what is to come if we knew everything that was ahead of us. It is a journey we walk and experience daily. We take the good and the bad because in the end we just want to live. To live we must experience it all with open arms. I am grateful beyond words for all that I have lived, even the pretty shitty things I have had to go through. We all make mistakes, we all learn one day we will never be perfect but we pick ourselves off the ground and move forward, because this thing we call life is pretty damn amazing!

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