Speaking My Mind….
Yesterday I was in the car for a few hours. When I am in the car for a long period of time, I usually get lost in thought. I take a look at my behavior, things of the week and how I played a role in the world around me.
In my thoughts and evaluations of myself I had a self realization about my found voice. I have noticed that my thoughts quickly escape my brain and flow through my voice faster than ever before. I was never quite the person to speak an opinion that may be controversial to a crowd that may not want to hear it. But over the past week two instances come to mind.
As I drove yesterday I asked myself was it the cancer that has made me bolder, or am I a downer more now, or am I judging others so quickly. Maybe having cancer has changed some of my perspectives, maybe I do see the glass not so full sometimes because I have become more of a realist, and maybe I do judge others and their actions harsher now.
So yesterday I asked myself why am I speaking my mind more freely, and is this ok or am I judging others too quickly.
Here is what I came up with…
Cancer happened, cancer has changed some of my perspectives. I do not take anything for granted. I am bolder now, because I want my voice to be heard. I have experienced many spiritual and amazing things over the year. I am no longer stuck in the box of my past, the thinking I once had and the destination I thought I was headed. I may be a downer a bit more, however I do want to change this realization… I am a realist like never before. On one hand I am a dreamer, or possibly dreamed more and bigger before cancer. Now I need to find a happy medium. Lastly I have been harsh possibly, and judging others actions. In this I need to let go, I do not want to judge others and be on the throne of righteousness, that for all of us is so easy to hop on.
So I am searching for my voice, I want to be heard and I feel liberated by speaking my mind. However, I also know that people believe what they want to believe, do what they want to do, put others at risk at times, and think in their small bubble. This will always be… cancer will never change these things.
So as I find my new voice, I am also looking for hope in my voice, and less judging of others. I had cancer, I may get cancer again, I am changed forever. These things are true, these are who I am now. I see the world differently and it is ok, just as it is ok for others to see the world how they see it.
Will I continue to speak my mind… HELL yes! There is lessons in all of us, and if we remain quiet how will we learn anything.
On this drive I also decided to surprise my kids by taking them Disneyland for two days. They have no idea, I booked a hotel and have their bags packed. Tomorrow I pack them up and will let them know our destination…. well sometime before we get there! On my drive I also realized that now is the time… now is the time to say I love you, now is the time to hug your child, now is the time to surprise your kids when they are off of school… because now is all we have!