Speaking My Mind….

Speaking My Mind….

Speaking My Mind….

Yesterday I was in the car for a few hours. When I am in the car for a long period of time, I usually get lost in thought. I take a look at my behavior, things of the week and how I played a role in the world around me.

In my thoughts and evaluations of myself I had a self realization about my found voice. I have noticed that my thoughts quickly escape my brain and flow through my voice faster than ever before. I was never quite the person to speak an opinion that may be controversial to a crowd that may not want to hear it. But over the past week two instances come to mind.

As I drove yesterday I asked myself was it the cancer that has made me bolder, or am I a downer more now, or am I judging others so quickly. Maybe having cancer has changed some of my perspectives, maybe I do see the glass not so full sometimes because I have become more of a realist, and maybe I do judge others and their actions harsher now.

So yesterday I asked myself why am I speaking my mind more freely, and is this ok or am I judging others too quickly.

Here is what I came up with…

Cancer happened, cancer has changed some of my perspectives. I do not take anything for granted. I am bolder now, because I want my voice to be heard. I have experienced many spiritual and amazing things over the year. I am no longer stuck in the box of my past, the thinking I once had and the destination I thought I was headed. I may be a downer a bit more, however I do want to change this realization… I am a realist like never before. On one hand I am a dreamer, or possibly dreamed more and bigger before cancer. Now I need to find a happy medium. Lastly I have been harsh possibly, and judging others actions. In this I need to let go, I do not want to judge others and be on the throne of righteousness, that for all of us is so easy to hop on.

So I am searching for my voice, I want to be heard and I feel liberated by speaking my mind. However, I also know that people believe what they want to believe, do what they want to do, put others at risk at times, and think in their small bubble. This will always be… cancer will never change these things.

So as I find my new voice, I am also looking for hope in my voice, and less judging of others. I had cancer, I may get cancer again, I am changed forever. These things are true, these are who I am now. I see the world differently and it is ok, just as it is ok for others to see the world how they see it.

Will I continue to speak my mind… HELL yes! There is lessons in all of us, and if we remain quiet how will we learn anything.

p.s.

On this drive I also decided to surprise my kids by taking them Disneyland for two days. They have no idea, I booked a hotel and have their bags packed. Tomorrow I pack them up and will let them know our destination…. well sometime before we get there! On my drive I also realized that now is the time… now is the time to say I love you, now is the time to hug your child, now is the time to surprise your kids when they are off of school… because now is all we have!

Comment ( 1 )

  • DEAR AMBER,
    I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU. A PERSON WHO HAS HAD CANCER MUST…MUST SPEAK OUT FOR HIM/HER SELF. WHO BETTER KNOWS WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE THAN YOU AND MOST LIKELY YOU WILL BE TRAIL BLAZING FOR THOSE VICTIMS WHO ARE GOING TO COME IN THE FUTURE.
    MY ONLY 33 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WON HER BATTLE WITH CANCER AND GRADUATED ON TO GLORY LAND TO BE WITH JESUS. VERY DIFFICULT FOR THOSE LEFT BEHIND. SHE HAD CANCER FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS STARTING AT THE AGE 10 1/2…SHE WAS HEALED THROUGH CHEMO AND RADIATION BUT THE RADIATION BURNT UP HER FEMALE ORGANS AND SHE WAS UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN. 15 MONTHS AGO SHE HAD A DIFFERENT CANCER CALLED SQUAMOUS CELL AND SHE WENT THROUGH CHEMO AND RADIATION. WE CALLED IN HOSPICE AFTER THEY DID A TRACH AND A FEEDING TUBE. HER DAD AND I TOOK CARE OF HER 24/7 IN OUR HOME FROM AUGUST 24, 2009 UNTIL OCT 23 AT 1012PM WHEN SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH……SHE WAS IN UNCONTROBABLE PAIN….WE/THE DRS. HAD HER ON STOUT…STONG CONCENTRATED MORPHINE WITH PAIN PATCHES AND WHEN SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH SHE WEIGHED FOURTY EIGHT POUNDS.
    AMY NEVER SHED A TEAR…NEVER WHINED…NEVER ASK WHY AND EVEN AT HER SERVICES OUR PASTOR SPOKE HOW SHE ALWAYS HAD A SMILE ON HER FACE….SHE WAS MORE INTERESTED IN HOW YOU WERE DOING……SHE DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BEING SICK….SHE KNEW SHE WAS SICK. SHE WANTED TO LAUGH…TO FEEL RAIN AND WIND AND HOT AND COLD AND SEE LIGHTENING AND BE READ TO….ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE EARTHLY BUT MAY NOT BE IN HEAVEN………SHE DIED ON HER TERMS AND SHE CALLED THE SHOTS. SHE WANTED TO EAT SO BAD AND DRINK A DR. PEPPER BUT WITH THE TRACH THE TUMOR HAD HER SWALLOWING REFLEX ALMOST SHUT OFF AND THE TUBE FEEDING MADE HER VOMIT
    I DON’T TELL YOU THIS TO DISCOURAGE YOU IN ANY WAY….I ALWAYS TOLD AMY, ANY OF US COULD DIE CROSSING THE STRRET………..
    YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT MAKING A SPECIAL BOOK FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN……TELLING STORIES ABOUT YOU AND DIFFERENT PICTURES AND THEN ONE DAY WHEN THEY ARE 40 YOU CAN GIVE IT TO THEM.
    I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS FAMILY……IF YOU WILL TELL ME A PICTURE YOU LIKE OF YOU…I WILL PUT YOU ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY BLOG WITH THE OTHERS TO REQUEST PRAYER.
    I JOINED YOUR BLOG AND I HOPE YOU WILL CONSIDER JOINING MINE
    ANGEL HUGS
    DEBBIE

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