So many of us walk around with a big giant smile on our face. We laugh with our friends, we cheer with our cocktails and we support others when they are hurting. All the while inside we feel as though we are loosing our way, inside we feel as though we may just explode any minute. This is me, this is where I am. I finally feel as though I cracked a month or two ago. Sometimes life sneaks up on you, bitterness, resentment, anger all root there slimy way into ones soul.
I don’t know where it is all coming from, I don’t know exactly where it began. I have my theories, I have my speculations but not concrete ones. I have lived for the past year and half like most of us do, even when we feel as though we can no longer juggle so many balls in the air. I have smiled, I have laughed, I have put on parties and I have started new businesses. I have parented, I have cheered at sporting games and I have tried to keep smiling for the sake of others. But there comes a time when you begin to feel yourself pull away, pull away from friends, pull away from your passions pull away from what once made you happy.
It has been a long time sine I have written on here, it’s been a long time since I have written at all. Last Friday I began to write again after over a year of no writing. Last Friday after yet fighting another panic attack off, trying once again to calm myself “Calm down Amber, you are fine, relax Amber, you are fine” I found myself the only one awake in my house, the fire only had a few embers left. The house smelled of Christmas and pine needles. My computer sat there calling me. In an effort to calm my anxiety I finally opened up word and began to write. Why am I like this? How did I get to this point? Where is this anger coming from? All words I began to type. Two hours later I closed my macbook and headed to bed. I was calm, I was peaceful. My typing, journaling started something deep within me. Something began to stir in me, and I was starting to realize writing will help me find my answers and help me heal.
You know you are a mess when you have to call your therapist out of the blue and ask to see her. You know you can’t do it on your own when you can no longer to pretend to smile for others, when you just want to be a hermit in your house. Here is where I am… although I am fighting so hard to not be a hermit, I am fighting so hard to not have resentment or anxiety I just don’t want it anymore.
So I am choosing to write, I am choosing to see my therapist… or my nickname for her, my “Guru” I am choosing to open my heart and soul and to be angry and understand where it is coming from. I am ready to deal with my cancer possibly the side of it I never wanted to let in. The side of it, I didn’t realize snuck in while I kept myself so busy to not have to notice. I am ready to find out if maybe my life is about to go on a different course. I am ready to start letting go of old dreams and begin to form new dreams. I am ready to simplify and learn to not always have a project going on to feel as though I am worth anything. I feel that I am at a crossroads, and I am ready to choose joy, peace and contentment.
You see we are the only ones who can create joy and contentment. It does not come from others as they will only disappoint, it can not come from material things because things can disappear at any moment. So true love, true joy at least I believe comes from within. So here I am, standing at the crossroads. I am looking to my left, looking to my right and looking ahead. I am ready to start letting go, of whatever the hell is eating me. I am ready to start simplifying my life. I am longing to find my characters again from my novel. I am standing at the crossroads, rather I think I am on my knees at the crossroads. I am throwing my hands in the air and I am giving up on what I thought I wanted in life. I am giving up on keeping my guard up all of the time, I am giving up pretending that everything is always perfect and right. I am saying fuck it all world, universe. I am ready to begin again… I am ready to invent myself again. I am ready to find joy again, I am ready to be in this moment, this very moment and no where else. I was once there and I will find my way again. Only this time my entire life will reflect this. My parenting, my lifestyle, my career and my service to humanity. I am ready to work for it, I am ready to let go, I am ready to start making some big ass changes…
Ready, Set Go… and so begins my reinvention…