For the past two weeks I have been in a reflective mood. Not sure why, not sure where it will take me but what I do know is that cancer is on my brain.
I look back at the past three months and think where in the hell did that time go? I am realizing that the way I lived my life over the past three months is the way I lived my life before cancer.
I was overbooking myself, putting on huge events, volunteering, working, cleaning and well, basically running non-stop. I am so grateful that I am well enough to overbook myself, can put on huge events,work,clean,volunteer etc, but do I want these things?
I run a business, and this business or this baby of mine is expanding. So many wonderful things are happening with my school. I am truly excited but I have also realized that nothing is more important to me then my health. If I don’t have my health, then I cannot be a good wife or mom.
So this week I have been reflecting and remembering cancer. I have examined my scars this week extra long, I am felt my scabbed up drain holes, looked a little longer at my lymph biopsy site scar. I have told myself to slow down, to be in the moment and to not let my body feel any stress.
I will never know why I got cancer, I may guess at times as to what I think it was that did not allow my immune system to fight off the cancer cells. I keep going back to stress. I will never know for sure, but stress is my gut guess.
So I may not know my future, I may not know if I will get this damn disease again. I do not know if a year from now I may be on chemo, we do not know our future. All I know is that I must slow down, I must “Breathe, Let Go. and remind myself that this very moment is all that I am promised.”
Will I ever not fear that the cancer will be back? Will I ever shake this deep inner feeling that it will be back? Will I ever be able to not hear a quiet ticking of a clock in the back of my mind constantly reminding me of time ticking away. Will I ever stop second guessing myself of choices and dreams I may have, wondering if they are even possible because I wonder if I will even be around in five years? These are my reflections every day… these are my secret and honest thoughts.
Today I reflect and decide to change a bit of my future, to change some plans and to allow myself to take less responsibilities. Today I am letting go of some of my duties, to be a better women, to be a better wife and mother. Today I am letting go of any stress that I feel, because when I feel the stress come on, it as though I feel the cancer cells appearing in my body.
Reflecting is a wonderful thing…. what have you reflected on today?