Pushing The Resume Button
Tonight I reflect with a joyful heart. Tonight I accept that I am alive and well. For the past four months I have seen Dr. after Dr. Specialist after Specialists and tonight I feel at peace. Through the past four months I have had many lows, many scary moments and I did not see my life as living for a long time. It is the unknown that really messes with our minds. Although you want to believe it will all work out it is in your darkest times when you truly realize nothing is in our control, so why not just let go now and stop worrying about it.
Over the past four months I have learned patience and I have made some big decisions. Tonight I feel like my life is now resumed. For four months my life has been on pause. My goals my dreams have all been on pause. Our non-profit was halted and even basic decisions have been hard to make with the looming questions over my head.
Tonight as I push resume on my life I am reminded on what my new Oncologist said to me today “You know we are all terminal, dear so just go out there and live it up.” As he looked into my eyes I almost wanted to jump to his arms and hug him. He get’s it, he really gets it.
So the news is that as of today, I am thankful that at this time there is no seen cancer anywhere in my body. I will be closely monitored every 4-6 months. My inhalers seem to be helping me breath again and regain my strength. My heart medicine seems to be keeping control of my chest pain. So tonight I am looking ahead and so very content.
You see I found peace in dying, I have made my peace with dying. It is all so true, we are all terminal. If we only lived this way. In January we went to Thailand, I got my arm tatted up with a tattoo I have always wanted. In January and February I came to realized that I am ready to finish my novel and even put my name on it. During the past four months I have realized that I don’t care anymore about what people think of me. I have tossed my old beliefs out the window and have freedom to live truly how I want to live. Over the past four months I have realized that I have amazing people in my life both near and far. Old friends and new friends who have shown me love and support. I am lucky beyond words to have the life I have.
Over the past four months I have made decisions to downsize my life. I am determined to slow down and really enjoy those roses. My life as a CEO will actually start to change and quite possibly be thrown out the window. My book that has sat for over a year because I was to afraid to finish, to afraid of what people would think of me for writing this novel is a thing of the past.
When you think you may be dying… you just really don’t give shit anymore. It is so liberating and so incredibly joyful. So when you find out that in reality you may live after all or at least for awhile longer you jump up and down and choose to live like you have never lived before.
Tonight I am living… I am taking my free pass, my has no cancer at the moment pass and going to live for my family and will continue to shrink down the things in my life that don’t truly matter anymore to me.
I am going to finish that novel of mine with no regrets. I am going to get Families for Humanity off the ground. I am going to shrink down my CEO position and I am going to travel more than ever before. I am going to be a better mom, a mom who really leaves a positive imprint on my kids lives.
I am a women who is terminal… we all are. But for me I am going to live like I have never lived before…
I came across this video tonight. Please take the 22 minutes to watch. I had no words when I finished watching it but realized this kid got it…. I want to be him.
Thank you for all who have been checking in on me near and far. Thank you for your love and support. I am truly grateful tonight and ready to push resume!!