One More Day Branded On My Soul
It’s been nine years since I heard the words your biopsy was positive for cancer. It has been five days since I heard my Dad’s shaken voice on the other end, saying “Your Mom passed, I need you to come to the house right away.” There are dates in our lives which we never forget. The incidents or moments that brand us for life, leaving permanent scars on our heart or soul. Three days after my mom passed away I remember saying to my boyfriend “Are you sure about me? Do you know what you signed up for?” I fell asleep counting the scars that have been left on my soul, from all the unfortunate heartbreaking events of my life… one by one until the darkness of the night took over.
I’m not sure why some of us go through more than others. I’m not sure why I have gone through so much during my time in this world. I don’t get it… I’m not sure I’ll ever understand the why’s. Just last week I was feeling the weight of it all, it was heavy on my heart, so heavy in fact it felt hard to breathe. I was feeling as though I had hit rock bottom and was trying desperately to climb my way up.
The day before my mom passed away was one of my hardest days in a long time. Most didn’t know, I went to work, it was like any other day really. I talked to co-workers, I went home and helped with homework. On the outside I was fine but on the inside, the grief of the divorce was so strong it felt as though it was tearing my heart up. The burden of my children’s future is so heavy on my soul. The night before my mother passed away I was restless, the anxiety was high, I didn’t sleep good I was anxious. Over and over my mind raced of ideas of how to help each one of my kids get through this difficult time of the divorce. Over and over I worried until I dozed off finally.
When I woke up around 6:40 a.m. it was the strangest thing I’ve experienced in a long time. My daily routine began like normal, like all school mornings. Except I had the strongest sense of God or something beyond me as soon as I woke up. I always turn music on, in the morning something positive or upbeat to help us get our day rolling. That morning, I had a strong desire to put on praise and worship music. ( I haven’t listened to Christian music for at least five years.)
So I went to Spotify and typed in praise and worship music and as it began to play through my kitchen I remember even questioning myself. “Why in the world are you playing this?” I couldn’t understand it. What I kept thinking was, I think I hit my rock bottom… I felt as though I did. The guilt of the divorce was paralyzing me in truly moving forward. While the music was playing I felt such a oneness or sense of something more stirring me. So I began to silently pray as I drank my coffee. I remember saying… “God, I think I’ve hit my breaking point. I think I may need help…” I drank my coffee and continued my routine. But the whole time I felt a strong pull toward something greater than myself. But I had kids to finish getting ready and get to school. The entire drive dropping off my kids for about 35 minutes I still thought of the worship music and how I needed to put it back on. I waited until I dropped off my daughter because I knew once I put it back on I may break down crying. So as soon as I dropped her off I turned it back on. All while thinking “why… why am I listening to this music?” I finally got to my office, and still, the urge was strong to play worship music. I tried to find a station on Pandora but got sidetracked by other duties. When not long after I got to my office my phone rang and my Dad popped up. Little did I know.. that March 8th, 2018… would be another day branded into my soul… little did I know that somewhere between 6:30 a.m. – 8:40 a.m. my mom passed away from this world. Little did I know that the praise and worship music… well who knows… but there is something to it. My mom was a devout Christian, my mom loved her praise and worship music. That hour, that experience is a true gift.. .one that shook me to the core. I am so grateful… for that gift, whether it was from my mother or from God or something great I accept it and know it was far beyond me. If any of you have followed my journey for the past nine years here on this blog, you know I’ve left the church. The last nine years has been quite the journey, to say the least. Heck, I have written a novel about my feelings on religion. But read the tagline on the cover of my book… my answer to this question is “Yes” I think my own mother wanted to prepare me in some way with the praise and worship music…
I’ve always believed in something more, God or universe. But… it’s been a long, long time since I’ve experienced what I experienced last Thursday morning. Where to go from here, I’m not sure. Planning a funeral so unexpectedly is just a crazy intense experience. Never would I have seen this coming, that today I would be going and making sure my mom’s casket looks good, or figure out what she should be wearing when we bury her. If anyone knew my mom, you know she was the most unique and full of life person around. You knew when she was at your house, her laugh was contagious. She was sixty two.. she was literally talking to my dad at 6:30 a.m. telling him to go back to bed last Thursday morning.
I guess this is how life goes… actually this is how life goes. I’m grateful that my last words to my mother were “I love you” last Monday. I’m grateful for the intense experience last Thursday that went beyond me.
I’m not sure why I’m so lucky to have so many unlucky things happen… but as I always do, I will keep moving forward, keep seeing the joy in so many amazing things here in this life. Mom… thank you for giving me the gift of life… and being a crazy, fun, loud example because although I may not be loud, I sure as hell love life! I won’t stop dancing, singing and screaming for joy when I’m having fun!