My Secret Dark Cloud Of Sorrow
I promised myself with this blog I would write the good and the bad. Writing helps me process my emotions and my feelings. I have had a lot of growth over the past few years but there are times my secret dark cloud of sorrow comes crashing back into my life. Speaking your truth also means acknowledging when you struggle and when you fall flat on your face and you are stumbling to stand upright again.
Many have no idea that when I was younger in my early twenties I was severely depressed. Clinically depressed and actually there was a few days I started looking into places to commit myself. It is something I rarely talk about. Recently while I was away on Cabo with good friends it came up. Not sure really how or why it did, but I admitted to my close friends I had a gun in my hand on a few occasions. When I think about those dark days it seems like a lifetime ago. My first two years of marriage was horrible really. Not because of my husband but because I was living with a horrible secret, I wanted to die; I wanted to close my eyes and forever sleep.
Imagine waking up every morning sad because you were alive. Imagine going to work and moving along in your daily schedule only to be thinking about how to kill yourself. Your thoughts are consumed by how to do it, would it be pills, gunshot or maybe possibly throwing myself in front of an incoming train. (Our first house backed up to train tracks.)
Living that way secretly is hard to explain. You are in a constant fight with your thoughts. You tear yourself up into pieces and believe you are not worthy to live. Your life is not of value. After almost two years of living this way I finally began to realize that my depression was hormone induced. I stopped all forms of birth control and began to seek professional help with putting my life and thoughts back to normal. It was as through finally I removed the tainted sunglasses of darkness and all I could see was an incredible light. I also got pregnant and was so thankful for the gift of my son to really show me that life is so worth living and living was what I choose to do.
Although that time was almost fourteen years ago there are times that damn secret dark cloud finds me again. It comes sneaking up on me when I least expect it. You see I am always on the move, I am always working on projects and sometimes I crash into a wall and literally get so exhausted I can barely function. Mix that with my cycle and hormones being off and being alone with my thoughts. I also came across an article about the kind of cancer I had. Before I knew it I found myself in a tornado of sadness and anger and the cloud back hanging heavy over me. My thoughts begin to torment me, the war begins to rage again with my thoughts and a battle begins. Most of the time I can win I can overcome pretty quickly. This past week however I was already emotionally and physically tired. So the thoughts and feelings began to consume me and I was loosing the battle. This time around it took me a few days to come out of it and it reminded me of my long battle years ago. I am so thankful that I don’t live in torment every day of my life, but I also know it is something I will face again and will need to pull myself out of on another occasion.
Today I needed to write about this to acknowledge my truth and my struggle with depression at times. As much as I live, as much as I have happiness and live an amazing life I still struggle on occasions. I sometimes have to go to war with my thoughts and when I begin to push people out and away those are the times I need you the most. Those are the times I am weak, I am tired and I feel incredibly alone. You see we can’t always be that strong person who has everything together; sometimes even those of us who seem to do everything can’t do it all.
The secret dark cloud of sorrow is almost out of site, but it took a little more work this time. Today I speak my truth in hopes to be transparent and show you that I struggle with life at times but I also choose to overcome and move on, and enjoy this amazing gift of life.
If you struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide you are not alone. There is help and there is sunshine again after the dark cloud. It may take some work but you can overcome.
***Heard This Song As I Was Driving Hours After I Published This Post, Wanted To Add**