My “Me-Cation” Journey
It was a needed vacation, a solo trip that I felt I needed to do. I packed a small bag, booked a small room at a bed and breakfast and got in my car and head to the ocean. The ocean is a powerful place, the air is salty and fresh, the sounds of the waves are a quiet hushing sound.
This was the trip I needed, this would end up being a quiet trip. I was alone, so I did not talk much.
As soon as I dropped my kids off at the grandparents I felt the strong emotions overcome me. Like the ocean itself, powerfully strong, wet and cold were my tears as they spilled onto my face. I couldn’t help it…the weeks leading up to my departure I was angry, sad and downright bitter for what had happened. I also felt an overwhelming guilt for not having more “Cancer” for not having to go through chemo or radiation.
So this trip was perfect. It has been months since I have written..so let me catch you up.
I left early in the morning, and I believe I cried the entire three hour drive. The emotions were so raw and I wasn’t even sure where they were coming from. But I realized that the destination I was heading too was not only going to be a time of rest, (mom of 4 kids always needs rest ) but a time of spiritual and emotional healing. The tears were preparing me for what was to come in those few days away.
I was ready, I was ready to not believe that Karma had it out for me because of past mistakes. I was ready to stop looking backwards to certain pains and challenges over the years. I was determined to come head to head with my fears, anger and frustrations. So I was driving to Carmel, by myself to come face to face with all of my baggage.
As I drove through downtown, my windows were open, and the air spelled wonderfully salty. I checked in and through my stuff down on the bed and headed out to explore the beach.
I was pleasantly surprised that the beach was in fact around the corner from my hotel. You never know, marketing can always spin things a certain way.
I grabbed a hat and my camera and began to walk… not knowing where exactly my walk would take me both physically and mentally. There it was the deep blue ocean, the waves crashing in. My hair began to frizz a bit from the misty air, but hair I was lucky to have.
I quickly took my flip flops off and rolled my jeans up to my knees… there was no way I was not getting into the ocean. So thus began my journey on my “Me-Cation” as I put my bare foot into the icy cold ocean so began the journey to healing.
I was thankful for my hat and my sunglasses because I spent most of my time walking and crying. At one point I stood in the wet sand, I would mess up the sand with my toes, then stood still gripping the sand with my toes as the water washed up over my feet. When the water went back into the ocean my messed up sand was smooth and perfect once again.
Soon I began to write messages to myself in the sand. “Letting Go” “Joy” “No More Cancer” “Dream Big” this was such a spiritual moment for me… I would quickly write the message and then grip the sand as the water would erase each message.
Just like our life, the beauty of life is that we can wash away the old and start anew. I let it go that day, I realized I had to let go of some baggage I had been carrying for years… I had to let it go to gain peace and most importantly for my health, emotionally and mentally. My body could no longer take the beatings I would give it with guilt.
Guilt and stress already took my breasts… stress is something I believe plays a vital role in cancer. This “Me-Cation” gave me an important gift, it gave me a new start and a place to dump my baggage once and for all. So on that beach, I left a lot of my “shit” pardon my french.
I decided to not look back anymore, I decided to not blame Karma anymore but to only look forward. We can not change our pasts no matter how badly we want to. We can only create our future.
I spent one whole day writing, working on my book and another day scrapping. But most importantly I let go of the past and vowed to myself to stop looking backwards and only look forward!
I also allowed myself to start dreaming again… I realized cancer stole my dreams and my ability to look forward years down the road. As much as it is good to be in the moment it is also feeling great again to dream past today, to set goals again.