Love, Life and Lessons Learned
My life as it is now feels like a dream sometimes. A year ago I couldn’t even picture a life different from the one I was living. Honestly my tear stained face felt like a permanent fixture, one I would live with until the day I died. My broken shattered heart cut my soul so deeply that I never believed I would start to feel whole again. Almost a year ago today my kids dad was moving out yet again. This time in my gut I knew it was the last time we would ever live under the same roof.
No more going back and forth with one foot in and one foot out. It was time to call it. A year ago my heart that already felt shattered, broke even more. One day he was there, and the next day he wasn’t. I tried to pick up the pieces one by one, slowly I tried to make sense of my life. But ultimately the tears still flowed, the heart was still in a thousand pieces all over the home I tried so desperately to build for my kids.
Looking back on that girl a year ago.. she was completely and utterly broken that I barely recognize her.
She dawned a forced smile every day. That brave face was just a facade. You want to know how she truly felt? She felt as though she was in the middle of the ocean, being dragged under by the force of the waves. Sinking farther and farther under, barely able to breathe.
She had four kids counting on her, a business that just expanded, more employees and her educational travel team that was ready to go on a trip of a lifetime that she was organizing. I guess sometimes if we stay busy enough, we can shove down the pain, forget that our life truly is in shambles we pretend for others. It is only in the stillness of the night when we are alone we can break down so hard we can barely breathe in between sobs. Many nights I hid in my closet, with the door closed sobbing. I wished I could go back in time and fix things… life would be so much more easier if we had just fixed it before it become beyond repair. Or what if I just settle, accept what is, my life. Wouldn’t it be easier to take the sadness, over breaking my family up?
But each morning I would wake up, smile and try to make the house a happy home, I played the music loud, I danced, I sang and I continued to laugh for my kids, for my employees, for my team who I was taking to Guatemala.
What I did not see a year ago was this; A new home, new neighbors, renewed joy and love of life.
A year ago I never would have guessed I would have a new address, new city and new renewed sense of purpose. This is what blindsided me the most. A move out of my home… to have to completely start over, new furniture, new dishes, new everything… but now I realize this was exactly what was supposed to happen. It’s with the move that exelerated my healing. Having my own space, new home for the first time ever has been more than amazeballs!! Starting over has given me the best gift yet… a new found strength in myself.
A year ago I never would have guess a few casual people in my life would become true real friends who have come along this journey with me and now I can’t imagine my life without them. Hey “Z” love ya, and our weekly run down sessions! My true friends have stuck by side, seen me in my lowest points sobbing, and have helped prop me up when I could barely stand on my two feet. Those of you in my life, my small circle thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I love you more than you know.
A year ago my motto was always the more the merrier. Now my motto is; Less is way more valuable and true. Honest people, trustworthy people is who I want as my true friends.
A year ago I wasn’t sure about my body, I was terrified of dating and beginning a new life with someone else. In fact I couldn’t even imagine it. Today… well let’s just say I’ve conquered those fears and truly feel like a new woman through and through. I also know that there are truly wonderful men still out there searching for love just as us single girls are.
A year ago I couldn’t’ see beyond each new day. Truly… there were no more goals being set, no more bucket list items being written. It took all that was in me, just to survive each day. Let’s be honest, to fake it each day. Today, I actually start a writing academy and internship that I was accepted too. Three months of intense learning and additional time… well just because I want to be better. I’ve also started a new bucket list.
A year ago I couldn’t see beyond heart break, beyond the failed marriage. I tried believe me I tried hard. I spent months just barely surviving. Fake it until you make it right? Today… I wouldn’t say no to marriage again. In fact, I’ve learned there’s a beautiful things about walking along side another human being during this adventure called life. My heart is open and willing to love another soul yet again. Just writing this… makes me smile.
A year ago I was terrified for my kids. To be honest my heart is still broken in this area. I’m not sure it will ever feel whole in this area when it comes to them. A year ago we tried to keep them in one home. Maybe in another year I’ll feel better about this, but probably not. I’ve failed my kids… I own it. Two homes, going back and forth is the biggest failure of my life. I hope that one day they’ll be able to forgive me. But I also accept that they may not. I’m truly sorry… to each of you. I’m sorry for not being able to provide a stable home, a truly loving home where two parents truly love and respect each other. We failed… Today however I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe you will one day be able to see a healthy loving, respectful relationship. Today… I still don’t feel good about this… about my kids and divorce…. today though.. they have two peaceful homes so maybe that’s a start. I also have to trust that a happy whole mother is better than a broken weary mother.
A year ago I didn’t think true love was possible… today I have so much love in my life, by so many people I know true love is possible… I feel it and see it every day. Today one of the biggest lesson learned was to be in love with myself… all of me.. my strengths, my faults and my failures.
What an incredible year it has been and guess what? I don’t hide in my closet anymore! I don’t have a tear stained face anymore and my heart although not fully healed… I don’t think there are very many pieces left on the ground anymore!