Do you know the feeling? Life is just good, you have worked really hard to overcome some obstacles, you have set goals and actually kept them this time and well now you feel as though you are on cruise control. Do you know this feeling? It has been one year almost to the day that I realized that I was not dying of lung cancer after all. That in fact my health issues were not lung related but heart related. That was a relief and a shock all at once. It has been one year since I now take a medicine twice a day to keep my heart beating normally and keeping the pain away. One year since I sighed a VERY HUGE sigh of relief and cried happy tears that there was no tumor not only in my lungs but anywhere as far as the PET/CT showed. Last year at this time I promised myself to slow down once and for all, or at least be really picky of my time and what I choose to put my energy towards.
I set new goals and the biggest goal I set was to downsize my business and focus on my writing. I have to laugh a bit, because I was really dreaming big with my writing. Why wouldn’t I? I somehow managed to grow and run a very successful business even while the economy was in it’s lowest. So of course I could finish and produce a best seller manuscript right? Wrong, oh how I was so naive and wrong! It has been eight months since I typed the words “The End” to the project that took me seven years to complete. Because if I am honest here, and I am always pretty honest those seven years were the hardest year of my life. I wasn’t sure if we would ever come out of that time smiling for real, or if I would have to fake my happiness for the rest of my life. It was a dark time and sometimes when you face one hard thing after another it takes a lot longer to pull yourself out of the mess. But it may take some time, or may take some years but here I am today to say you can really smile again and maybe even possibly feel the most content you have felt your entire life.
So my manuscript was complete or I thought it was complete (laughing again aloud) I was proud, you know one of those huge bucket list things that you weren’t sure you would ever pull off. I got my work edited and I got a cover designed and then I had people read it. Then I started to query the hell out of it, thinking “OK agents I have a crazy AMAZING best seller here!” Then I got a lot of “Not Interested” from agent or editor after editor.
I did get two people to actually read and take my whole manuscript! That in itself was an accomplishment. Then months later I got some really good and honest feedback from those who read it. So I shelved it, I stepped away and did lota and lots of research and attended my first writers conference. (funny, probably should have done that first) I have realized that the first thing people usually write is pretty shitty, and I learned from the two agents that actually read my work that it was missing something. So….. life moved on and I was still growing as a human and really learning to be content within myself and really be present and in the moment.
Over the past five and a half months my life has been so good, I feel as though I am in some wonderful and very intoxicating zone. I have learned to scale back in my volunteer time, I have actually stuck to working out most days during the week. I am eating healthier and I am such a better mom to my kids because I am not running anymore with my head chopped off. (at least most days) I am in a zone, our family is in a zone but then I think… oh shit? Is there something around the corner?
Maybe or maybe not, I am not going to dwell on the what if’s anymore. I wasted to much time and energy and stress looking over my shoulder. Waiting for my cancer to come back, waiting for just the right time to start working out, waiting for just the right time to really write for just the fun of it.
Since December I write because it makes me happy. I am now re-writing my entire manuscript. I started it a week ago today and am over half way through. I have a new spin and a new focus, because my life is not so dark anymore and I feel like a new person, a person not identified by only cancer anymore or scared to talk about what I believe or don’t believe anymore. It has been two weeks since the re-write and I am on page 168 of the new book. I have no idea if anyone will one day read what I have written or if it will be any good. What I do know is, that I love to write, I love to watch my characters unfold and do things I didn’t even know they were going to do. Is it going to be a best seller, who the hell knows. Is people going to like reading it? Well I hope so, but I also know that this book won’t be for everyone, but I hope everyone gives it a shot and accepts my characters for who they truly are. What I do know, is that I am going to finish, I am going to publish and I am going to write another book, already have the ideas for another book. Am I looking to get rich on writing… hell no, again. This time I am taking everything I have learned and I am not giving up, I am working harder and faster to see this project through to the end.
I guess sometimes in life we choose to just follow our heart and the passion that is within us, simply because it makes us happy. Although I hear that little voice come and go, with life is just to good right now, what if something bad is going to happen, I have to just say “Fuck It” I am going to enjoy this life in the zone and I am not going to worry what is around the corner. I have worked hard and have made conscious decision to be in this zone. So maybe there is nothing that bad coming, maybe it is just how life should be, in the zone because I am happy and I am content with who I am and I am free to be the person I truly want to be…