In The Waiting Room…
In the waiting room is a cancer term for waiting on results or next steps. That is where I wait. I have been on pause literally since February as I started seeing Dr. Now it is 2:15 a.m. and for the past few days I just wake up from a deep sleep and realize I may be told some really really horrible news.
This morning I thought maybe if I wrote I could fall asleep after I get my thoughts out and process all that Im feeling. For sure I can’t process everything in twenty minutes. The waiting room frankly sucks… I know that this sometimes is the hardest part. The unknown, the how bad is it? What will the treatment be, the how long will I have questions linger?
As I woke up I checked my email. There again is an email from UC Davis. My oncologist wrote at almost 11:00 p.m. Basically saying my pathology is too complicated to chat by phone or email. We will chat in the clinic after my PET/Ct. Thursday at 8:00 a.m. is my PET/CT, everything is determined on what is found on that scan. I have so much to do and to prep, but I have been working like crazy. In some ways it is good, because I can’t really stop to think. But in other ways it has sucked because I know how quickly things can move with a diagnosis and frankly I just want to be a mom right now, not a business owner.
I think the reality of the severity of the news on Sunday is really hitting home with Forrest. As someone who has researched like crazy, read medical journal and the latest BC news I have always known my diagnosis was pretty serious all along. Even if it was contained, I was 31 and that in itself is not good.
The caretaker carries such a burden and in that I feel so bad. I can’t even wrap my head around what is to come for my family, for my husband and for my kids. To think about what they will possibly endure makes my chest literally hurt. Life is unfair we all know this. Anyone to have to suffer is unfair. What I hope is that the statement “It takes a Village to raise a family” does come true if needed. Moving to our community was the best decision we made over six years ago. Our family is so incredibly lucky to have the friends we have.
I have expectations and rules this time going into the waiting room. It feels very different then last time. Way more is at stake… but I guess in reality four years ago I already had invasive cancer so it was all at stake then too. This time however… that cancer was never treated, it remained and now what is on the line is ultimately my life.
I think about chemo and being bald a lot, I have been thinking about not wanting to feel so tired so I can do as much as I can with my family. I am scared that how I feel now, being so incredibly tired is only the beginning. I think about the things I still want to do and accomplish. Like Families for Humanity… it was only just beginning now will I see it come to pass? I think about telling my kids the news and explaining to them it is back. I think about my girls at work at SS and trying to get them all taken care of and situated with awesome people leading the school
I think about of course my love, the love of my life being a single dad. I think about how strong and amazing he is, how involved he is with our kids. From making breakfast, to doing laundry to helping with homework and I think he will be ok…he can do this I believe in him. I think about the women that may eventually come into his life, who may ultimately be my kids second mom and I smile. I know deep in my heart that she is out there, and I hold onto believing my family will be ok.
These are my thoughts… this is what keeps me ups sometimes. I have learned for myself I have to go there as though planning a huge party. I like to think of all the details and try to cover them all in case something goes wrong there are back up plans. Some may think I am jumping the gun… but if you truly know me you know I am a planner, a little bit of a control freak and I have to jump the gun so I am prepared and so I can be strong and move forward no matter what my lay ahead….
now… I think I can go back to sleep and rest my restless mind….