Forrest made me a garden or at least built me a garden with a fence and a gate during my first surgery recovery time. I have been wanting a garden since we moved here in 2006, but we never found the time to get it going.
The past few days I have been feeling like a water fountain, overflowing with sorrow. I am not sure why, maybe hormones…they say I am peri-menopausal so I guess I can blame that. But my emotions are deep to my core. I can feel that I am changed, that I am cancer so to speak. It is hard to explain. Someone asked me the other day how I had changed… I know I am changed but I am still not sure how. I know I am way more emotional, maybe not by crying but I feel things deeper within me.
I also feel death or see death around me. I see the women walking through the store who is in the middle of chemo, the women bald with a baseball cap. Never would have picked that up six months ago. I see the person missing a limb, possibly would have noticed but again not sure. I see things differently.
Forrest says I am being morbid… am I? When you hear the words cancer, you immediately think of death. I am trying to process everything, I am allowing myself to feel however I feel. I do not want it to consume me, but it is there… it is everywhere I turn.
People have come into my life since diagnosis, people I would have never known otherwise. It is through there stories that I see the true destruction of cancer.
I am grateful for these emotions and I welcome them, it has made me pick up my book again. These emotions are so raw that I could feel my novel calling me again. I began a book in 2007, but had to shelve it because it got to deep for me to handle at that time, it was taking me to places I did not think I was ready to go. When you are writing a book, sometimes your characters take the lead, it may sound strange but it happens.
Anyways I had shelved my book. But today I dusted it off so to speak, and began again. It felt incredible and it feels like this is exactly what I need to be doing. I am no longer afraid of where it may take me, I am ready this time.
I have also spent two days outside, in my backyard and in my garden. I am calling it my healing garden. I planted the seeds right after my lumpectomy, I was so sore, but I had pushed through and planted all of the seeds.
Today I am seeing the growth and product of the seeds that were so small. The garden is overflowing with organic fruits and veggies. I also spent the day planting. Gardening is a way for me to be still and think, to process and dream. Today I let my emotions begin to heal as I worked the dirt between my fingers.
I know that it is a journey in and of itself… this process of healing, this process of what now, after cancer. I know that the fear of having it find me again will one day dissipate or at least I hope, but if it does not at least I hope to learn to live with it, without it effecting my life.
I am realizing that as much as I don’t want to be cancer, I am cancer… it is me. It will always have some hold of me.
But tonight, I will continue to write the story that is within me, the story that came to me in 2007. It is time to begin once again…my lavender journey….