Four Years Today
Today was a rough day for me. Not sure if it was due to my cancer anniversary or due to the fact that I am feeling in limbo on quite a few things. Today I cried and cried a lot. I slept and reflected. Then I got myself together to enjoy my kids when they got home from school.
Today as I reflect over the past four years I reflect on many obstacles overcome, I reflect on goodbyes to what I thought was normal and hello to a new Amber. I have grown as a person, physically (with getting a new set ;0 ) and I have grown spiritually. I have laughed I have cried and I have yelled with all my might with anger over this stupid thing we call cancer. I am more than thankful every day, I have lived and one more than I could have ever dreamed.
Four years ago cancer rocked my world and took a part of me. It took my dreams of living a long life and left me with a constant ticking clock in the back of my head. Cancer gave me more courage to take risks and really learn who I am and how strong I really could be. Cancer took my body and never fully gave it back.
Today as I look back I have some sadness and I have some anger. I hate that cancer took away my safety net to look to the future as a gray or white haired women. I am grateful however that I have had four more years. Four more years to watch every sports game my kids have played. Four more years to watch Gabi learn to read and do her front and back handspring. I had four more years to open a third preschool and to travel to Thailand. I am grateful for four more years to experience the wonderful chaos I love of a house full of six.
I look back at the past four years and smile. Even if I live in pain every day at least I had that day. I have learned to be strong and to be a go getter. Today I reflect, today I look to the coming year and I am honestly not sure what is to come. If what is to come is what I think then I remind my future self to be strong, to love hard and to be grateful for this very moment.
All of us are dying… all of us our closer each day. Some however just get their quicker than expected.