Farewell 2015 & Hello 2016
It feels odd sitting here typing words after such a long hiatus. Although the speed of my fingers and the sounds of the keys makes me realize it has been way too long. As usual I sit here and ponder the year that is coming to a close and begin to dream and plan for 2016. There are a few words that come to me in describing my year.
Best, Worst, Slander, Drowning, Foggy, Tears and More Tears, New Career, Ending of The Old, More Tears, Sorrow, Travels, Tears, Strength, Determination, Tests, New Friendships, New Lifestyle, Family & Hope.
I’m not sure if it was my worst year or best year or a mixture of it all. But isn’t that how life goes? Nothing is easy, steady, always perfect. Life is full of our worst moments and our best moments. Times when we feel as though we are drowning and gasping for air and other times we feel as though we are bursting at the seams from excitement. That makes our journey here on earth so incredible. It’s hard to grasp what others may be going through via social media these days. Our lives from the outside look perfect, joyous and all put together. The strong can’t suffer can they? No one knows that right before the photo tears were falling only minutes before. Yet life moves on, no pausing of time, no slowing down for anyone. Life moves no matter what state you find yourself in. This past year I’ve laid low, I’ve been quiet… gone were the days of blogging, gone were the days of being vocal with my truths or lessons. I soon began to retreat, to hide and over time I felt as though I could barely breath. Yet I remained hidden, cried alone, sometimes even finding myself crying in front of others.
Over the past year I had one of my top five best moments of my life, the launching of my first novel. That night was definitely one of my favorite nights of my life. Thank you to those who were there to support me. A life long goal and dream came true that night, funny how in one moment I can fly so high and the next few months I could sink so low with circumstances out of my control. For the first time in my life I was the target of slander, not just quiet slander but very public rumors and lies began to surface through social media. It’s funny that I braced myself for backlash though my writing, my novels yet with interviews and radio chats I was embraced with open arms with respect even if they didn’t agree.
The slander, the lies came from a place so near and dear to my heart that it shook me to the core. What do you do to combat lies through social media when you are thousands of miles away? Over and over it began and war I never saw coming, a war that was pretty much one sided. I retreated… I ignored or tried to ignore it. As much as I ignored it kept getting stronger, a one sided battle that I just had to watch play out. Have you ever been in a situation like that? Lies, rumors that are so insane you can only laugh? Yet people believe, people take sides, strangers who have never even spoken to you before? It’s a crazy mind game really? Honestly the only way to describe what went on for months was a fucked up mind game, that I was constantly trying to escape but that kept on finding me no matter how far I got in the other direction and no matter how much I stayed quiet and ignored.
Then in the midst of all of that, my marriage of eighteen years was crumbling into thousands of little pieces. We were grasping at anything we could hold onto but it wasn’t working. The old wasn’t working. Fixing was no longer an option. It was the hardest decision of my life, to say I need a break. Admitting that things could not be fixed with therapy or more long talks, to admit that the old really is over was probably the most devastating thing in my life, even worse than hearing the words “You have cancer”. To sit our kids down and tell them we were separating was the most sickening feeling, my hands trembled as I folded them tightly in my lap. Thankfully he talked to them, he was strong enough to explain the situation so eloquently, while I took deep breaths to hold back the tears. We did it though, we moved forward with life separated. It wasn’t easy, it’s not easy to admit that one thing is over. To let go, really let go of the past. But we did it… because we knew it was the only way to move forward, to start again. I think the best gift we can give our kids is to be authentic, to be truthful.
Then came the biggest surprise of all, a new career a huge game changer in my life and honestly I am still finding my way through these changes. Not only was I learning how to be a single mom during my weeks on, I was learning how to manage a full time job, plus running my other jobs. In classes, learning so much new material and challenging myself in ways I didn’t think I could all while trying to not cry in front of new co-workers.
So, there it is my truth about 2015… the raw ugly truth of my life. I’ve been hidden for way too long. Finally I feel as though I have risen to the top of the water, I am no longer drowning. The lessons I have learned this year was probably worth all the tears, but I am still working on believing that.
What I am thankful for this past year:
1. My kids first and foremost. This past year I have seen how wonderfully talented, kind, giving and true humanitarians my kids are becoming. Our time spent in Guatemala each year has given them perspective and a gift of loving others just as they are. I am so honored to be their mother and proud of the individuals they are becoming. Even with our separation they have thrived, they make me smile each and every day.
2. Becoming a published author. (Yes I know I’m late on book #2, it’s coming soon.) When you accomplish a childhood dream like that, their is nothing that can describe that feeling. To finally hold and see my name on a cover of a book feels great. A bucket list item checked off… thinking of that most of my items have been checked off. I guess it’s time to write new ones.
3. Ending a relationship that was painful and not working like it should have been. Admitting you failed is never easy. Throwing in the towel is REALLY not easy. But sometimes it’s what is needed to move forward. Stepping away for a break, to reflect and heal may just be the thing two people need to find peace.
4. The board of FFH: It is so thrilling to see more and more people get passionate about giving, loving and doing for others. It’s just growing and so many people are being changed. In that I’m so thankful.
5. My health: I may have been denied for Life insurance but I am still ticking. I am actually in the best shape I’ve ever been in. I feel incredibly good even though last year at this time I was terrified I was going to turn into a raging bitch due to needing a hysterectomy. The fact is, that surgery was the best thing I could have done. Daily pain is gone and I feel pretty damn great!
6. New Career: This was the biggest surprise of all. In the financial world is a HUGE change, heels, dresses all crazy new for me. But I am liking it. I am being challenged in new ways, my brain feels like it’s getting so much exercise every day.
7. New Friendships: I have met so many new people this year and I’m thankful for you, those who rallied next to me, supported me and had a glass of wine with me so I wasn’t lonely at nights when I didn’t have my kids.
8. Ending the year hopeful, excited and feeling centered again. All the tests, ups and downs of 2015 I feel like I passed. I made it through like we always do if we just do it step by step, day by day. I always talk about living in the moment and that truly was tested this year. So many days I failed, I let worry take over, fear rule me. But in the end, I fell back into a rhythm of just “being”
So what does 2016 look like? Honestly I am not sure, because the biggest lesson I learned from 2015 is you just can’t plan for what is coming. You may think you know but hell it never goes as planned. I am hopeful to start a new relationship with my kids’ father… we shall see where it goes. The best part is… we get to start over as adults. No pressure, just being kind and truthful day to day. I am excited for business ventures, I am passionate about FFH and the teams that will experience Guatemala this year and I am humbled by my kids who amaze me everyday. I have also learned that though I have a new desk job, my soul needs to be creative or I may combust!
So… 2016 I’m ready for you, are you ready for me?