Day 2 of hearing the news “Positive” for cancer
I am a writer at heart, as a young girl I wrote in many, many journals. Recording my days, my dreams and aspirations. It is my joy and therapy, letting the words flow through my fingers makes my heart release the trials or accomplishments my life is experiencing.
So today I sit in my quiet house, yes sometimes it is quiet even with four kids. I begin a new journey, a new path I never expected to be on. But yet for the past year there has been a quiet presence, in the back of my head. That presence was only a hunch only a guess, for the past 15 months I only wondered if I had cancer.
Today as shocking as it may be, to say I have breast cancer, I also feel a huge relief. It was at times a tiring struggle dealing with my doctors, making appointment after appointment telling them something was not right. So many times I even questioned myself thinking I was going crazy. Thankfully the pain I was experiencing in my right breast never let up, in fact it only got worse as the months passed. This was how I found it, the pain, the pain that many doctors told me was a sign of not having cancer, ultimately may have saved my life.
I am the wife of Forrest, a man I fell in love with 13 years ago in Kenya, Africa. We married a year later, and today have four kids. I got married at 19, yes crazy but if you know me, when I have my mind made up there is nothing much that you can do to change it. We have three biological boys, Spencer who is 8, Wyatte who is almost 7 and Colbey who is 4.5 years old. Our beautiful daughter is our Guatemalan princess who we adopted in the summer of 2006!
My life is also full of busyness but I would have it no other way, wife, mother, preschool owner, volunteer and as of last September a full time psychology major.
So how did I end up with breast cancer? Good question, when you figure it out please let me know. I am starting this blog, to look within myself and to show you the readers that I am you, I am no different and yet I have cancer. I am choosing to be an open book, one because this is how I heal, but also because I want you to know that you must know your body.
It has not even been 24 hours until I got the call that my biopsy, that I pushed for was positive. In that time, my mouth can’t stop talking about it. My relief is overwhelming, but slowly the fear is creeping up. I have had my first mammogram, and let me tell you it is not really bad if your boobs are normal, if they are full of cancer it hurts pretty bad.
I have cried a few times, it comes in waves. Most of the time I feel pretty confident it is all going to be fine. But when I think of surgery and loosing my breasts I get emotional. I am not that attached or so I thought. But they did nurse my boys, they have been with me my whole life.
We will need to tell our kids, possibly today. They are wonderful kids and am so blessed to have such funny and outgoing kids. They bring me so much joy. I am so thankful that I married so young, I had my first baby at 22.
I am so thankful…
For my husband, who loves me unconditionally, even when I fail miserably
My kids who love me and think I am the best mom on earth, even when I miss the mark many times a day
For my wonderful home, to look out my kitchen window and see the green fields and the animals roaming our pasture
for my friends who love and support me and who don’t mind me talking a mile a minute about my next big plan or the embarrassing things I do.
For my extended family who has already stepped in and ready at any moment to lend a hand.
My business ventures and accomplishments, it has taught me to dream big and never stop
I am thankful for my life… I have lived it to the fullest, enjoying it all, the good and the bad. Learning from my mistakes and taking trials and turning them to positive….
For God… mind, body and soul for finding peace in my beliefs a year ago and learning how to experience God in a new and free way.
Today I am living in this moment something I have been learning to do for the past few months… in this moment I find peace….