Can I make it a week without seeing a Dr.?
It is summer and I am really enjoying this time with my 4 kids…. they are growing so fast and I am realizing this each day as we spend time with each other.
Today I was thinking about reaching a day or a week where I do not have to pull out my kaiser card and check into a Dr.s apt. It seems that even though I am NED, even though I am cancer free I still go at least once or twice a week for something. Big sigh….
Going to the oncology department is the hardest department for me. I find that I have to sit in the waiting room constantly trying to hold back the tears. “How did I get so lucky? Why is it not me, sitting in the back hooked up to the chemo machines? Why am I not bald? Then I get an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know that I dodged a bullet this time, that for some odd reason I got to my cancer just in time. Most days I still can’t believe I found it just in time, I can’t believe that after everything is said and done, I am ok now. Believe me… I do not take this for granted for one second.
After leaving oncology I usually have a huge break down by the time I make it to my car. I can’t believe I am a patient, I can’t believe that I missed the bullet and I can’t believe that forever now I will constantly be looking over my back, wondering when and where it will appear again.
Hearing over and over, “we are so concerned with your age and it coming back” I cannot help but feel like it is coming back and next time I will be the person in the chemo chair. Am I calling this on myself? I don’t think so… I am a realistic person, I understand that already the statistics worked against me, I understand when my Onc tells me he should not be seeing me yet because I am so young. I understand when my surgeons tell me they could not get all of my breast tissue and my cancer was high grade so it still may come back. I get all of this… and I have to face it.
So I want to make sure each project I choose to work on counts for something, each time spent with my kids will be remembered. I am healthy today, I can swim and garden and next week take a road trip with my kids. Next year I may not be… so even with all of my doubts about statistics and being cancer free I do acknowledge that today I am good! So I will take it and enjoy it.
Maybe one day I won’t have to go to the Dr. each week, one day I wont’ have to see all the usual faces I am now accustomed too, but it is ok, because it is those people who have made me ok now… it is those people who want me to suceed and to not see me again either.
Today I feel so lucky… so grateful and then so sad at the same time. So sad that so many others have to go through so much worse, other friends are waiting on results on scans, or finding out that the cancer has spread into their livers and bones, getting the news that there is nothing else the doctors can do. In all of this I understand way to well now… .that one day I can hear those very words…. and this is why I am grateful that today I am healthy!