Brand New Kind Of Free, Brand New Kind Of Me….
Sometimes in life there are moments that will be forever sketched into our memory. Those moments that take your breath away whether good or bad. The moment you walk down the isle and promise yourself to someone. The moment you become a parent for the first time or the moment you are told you have cancer. These moments come as surprises sometime or by our choice. It is in these moments we have choices to make. Of course the good moment that takes our breath away is like a fantastic adrenaline pulsating through our veins. However those terrible unexpected moments take our breath away at times shock us to the core. It is in these moments that we can either choose to embrace it and let go or allow it to consume us as it eats away our soul.
We have all had moments in our lives just like these. Yesterday was on of these moments. I wish however it was one of exhilaration and excitement. But yesterday’s moment took my breath away with deep sadness and even fear. Sometimes our gut gives us signs of what is to come. Sometimes we have a constant nagging within us. But mostly we want to live life and ignore that little voice of doom. Because in reality that little voice is not always right. Even if you imagine or think of the what if… your heart and mind want to grasp desperately that little nagging voice is not true. That you are just paranoid and you need to ignore it.
But sometimes we have that nagging little voice possibly warning us or maybe even preparing us of what is to come.
Life is a journey I have said it time and time again. Life is precious and unexpected and as I have said before good thing we don’t know our future because we may just want to hide out in our homes forever and give up living. No matter what we should live life, experience the ups and downs and feel honored we even got to experience any of this crazy ride.
I guess it is time to back up a bit… I guess it is time to start spilling the beans and face what may be to come. Whatever is to come I hear myself saying these words over and over… “It’s gonna be ok” as I say these words I don’t say them as everything will be magically better or a miracle is to come. I say them to encourage myself and others that no matter what life will move on… no matter what I will be ok and the people around me will be ok. Just living is a gift…
Over the past several months I have been overwhelmingly tired… exhausted is more like it. When I grocer shop I come home and lay down for a few minutes after. If I cook dinner I lay down on and off as I fix dinner. This is not normal for me. I started going to the doctor in early February. Since then I have seen different dr, ran some tests and waited for news. I was referred to an oncologist due to some symptoms I am having. This time I am at a cancer center not kaiser.
The only thing I know at this moment is there is something not right with my heart… so I started meds two weeks ago to try and help it get back to normal. The other thing I know at this moment… the news that took my breath away yesterday, the news that may change not only my life buy my families as well; kaiser four years ago misdiagnosed me. The cancer center took all my slides and tissues from four years ago and re looked at them. What they found, is not good.
I in fact did have invasive cancer it was not contained cancer. I have been living for four years with now knowing I had and may have invasive cancer. I am positive for Her/2 and most likely should have had way more treatment then I did. Almost positive that I was very much under treated. I should have had chemo, radiation and Herceptin. This news is devastating….
I have a PET scan this coming week, who knows what is to come. I have no idea. But that little voice seems to have an idea.. that little nagging voice seems to be preparing me for the worst.
I am in such a great spot in my life..35 years old and feel so incredibly at peace. Strange I know but I feel as though I really have come to peace with death this past few months. I look at dying differently and feel ready to hear whatever news is to come. However I also know like I experienced yesterday… actually reading or hearing the news for sure stil takes your breath away. Still brings tears to your eyes and still bring deep sobs from within.
I heard this song tonight on facebook and it is exactly how I feel. I am a changed person… it was not over night it was over time. A lot of soul searching and asking questions. I love who I am and where I am within myself. This song is not about a guy for me… but leaving the old me behind and embracing who I truly am…