7 days post op…
I have read that some women wake up from surgery relieved to know the cancer is gone. I wondered what my reactions would be the few minutes before I closed my eyes as I drifted off to darkness while they operated. As I woke up from surgery all I can think of was this incredible pain in my chest, how did they let an elephant sit on me during surgery. The pressure was intense, my breathing was very shallow and actually still is. Small quick breaths is all that I can breath.
I remember waking up and seeing Forrest there, I remember the warm tears coming down my cheeks, trying to hold back sobs. Why was I crying? I was not relieved that never crossed my mind, I was sad, I was changed. I was also in so much pain all I could do was cry…. then the darkness came again.
Later that night I woke up just enough to realize it was American Idol night… t.v. please.. I asked. So I caught just a few minutes of she shocking bottom two and then darkness hit me again.
I can not describe to you what this has felt like, for those of you who have gone through this you are very strong women! The pain comes from the four drainage tubes coming out of your body and the expanders placed in your tight breastless chest. The feeling of foreign objects pushing out of your skin is undescribable. Each movement takes my breath away, each step, each time I sit up Forrest has to remind me to relax first. Easy for him to say!
I have been so blessed to have so much help this past week, from my mother to my aunt, to Forrest’s family and so many have brought food. Thank you so much…. my family has been so blessed because the kids really have no clue to amount of pain I am in, because there world has remained the same.
Today is day seven…. yesterday was a hard day. It is haunting at times this process. Lonely as well. I sit in my bedroom, thinking that I can’t even believe this happened. Forrest finally said… believe it… it is done. But is it really? Did I really have my breasts chopped off? Did I really have cancer? It all went so fast. From my diagnosis, to my first surgery to this big surgery. It is so hard for me to be in so much pain that all I can do is lie down and sleep, I am such an active person. This is the first time I can actually sit up and type…. and even while doing it I must breath short painful breaths and move as little as possible.
I know each day it will get better, my skin is already adjusting to all of the plastic that is in me. I hopefully get these drains out of Friday and then maybe I can wear normal clothes. I am sitting here with my bedroom door open, I hear the rushing of our creek, the horse neighing and the birds singing. I am grateful even when I am in pain, I am thankful even when I feel lonely, I am humbled even when it hurts to type these words. Because today the doctors say I am cancer free, today no more treatment is needed. It could be worse, way worse…. so in this I am humbled.
I also know that this story may not be over, I may be cancer free today or for the next year but I truly do not know if it will come back or not. I am ok with this… I will continue to live like I have, loving my life, loving my family and hopefully loving the new boobs that should come my way in eight months or so!